Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
