he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
