You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
