I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she woke up with a sticky ear
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
