Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize