Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize