God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize