My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
