is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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