Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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