One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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