this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
