i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
