Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
