She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
