It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
