that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
