I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
