wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
