Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
