Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
