I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
