I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize