When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
