I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
