id be glad to
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
