i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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