I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
