I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
