Duck Duck Cougar?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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