The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
