my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
