This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Randomize