well I can't set my house on fire every night
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
