She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm getting married
To pizza
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
