She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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