That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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