worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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