Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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