What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
