no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
