I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
