My cat gives me a boner
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
