i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
