nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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