Define "chronic" masturbator.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
