does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize