i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
