Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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