My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
