I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
