I didn't shave. On purpose
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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