She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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