Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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