I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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