He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
