dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
